Today I LEARNED that the reason I am pretty much CONSTANTLY annoyed at EVERYTHING is because I actually have PROFOUND rage issues that I have STIFLED since a very young age.
Once the floodgates opened up I let out a rageful cry of “FUUUUUUCK” so loud that I saw the neighbor come to the edge of their driveway to look at my house. I feel like such a fool, like a goddamn moron. Not because I cried and cried and then fell to my knees and buried my head in the duvet and cried more. Not because I was producing so much snot and tears that I decided to cry into the floor and writhed around for thirty minutes wailing unintelligibly, wavering between rage and utter fear, regret and guilt, uncertainty and universality…no I feel like a fool because of how I’ve preached against rage, and genuinely thought I had no problems with it until today.
And that’s when it hit me. How many people have I hurt? How many relationships have I injured, nay, destroyed, because of my hidden rage? It strikes from within me. It makes me snide. It makes me bitter. It makes me underhanded and manipulative. It makes me a monster from the inside out. Today I realized the part of me that I hate:
My anger.
I am angry. I am angry at a mother who needed another chance at childhood instead of a child of her own. I am angry at a father who left us behind to start a new family - because honestly who could stay married to my mom? I am angry at myself - for NOTHING. I’m angry at myself because I’m angry. But don’t I have a right to be?
Feelings. Everyone talks about feelings all the time. Today I realized I’m angry because I feel (THERE IT IS) like I’m always fostering everyone’s feelings and managing them. And then I got even ANGRIER when I realized that who the fuck knows? Maybe I’m creating an environment that is conducive to people becoming reliant on my management of their feelings and thereby perpetuate my own inner hell?
Goddamn. I’m going to take two Benadryl and try to go to sleep.
